Winston's Urge

Year 1984

The sands of time is falling as my mental security deteriorates.

That is a lie. Or maybe it is not... Because I am not sure. I am not sure about anything anymore. Is what my eyes see what I want to see or what someone else wants to see? I am tired. I am bored. I do not feel hunger anymore. As I stare blankly into the wall, I feel a thousand needles piercing the space between my temple and neck. It feels amazing but I am not allowed to feel amazing. I am not happy. I am happy. No, I am not. I cannot. Because if I do, I will explode. Everything will explode. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay.

I am okay. Everything is fine. Everything is ordinary. Everything is normal. Do I wonder what my future holds? No. Do I look at the past? No. Am I looking at the present? No.

I say to myself... I am going to be okay. I do not worry about the past or future. I am here right now. I am staring blankly into a wall as the sands of time falls, my mental security deteriorates. I am here.

And so is Julia.