Winston's Last Blog

Dear myself,
Mannn, I've screwed up this time. I've been tortured and forced to betray my the girl I liked much. Most of all I've been brainwashed into thinking big brother is my only savior in surviving this jail experience. Julia sold me out, and I fought for our love all by my lonesome. She's so wicked for that, throwing away what we had. But in the end I guess that's what needed to be done. I'd rather die that obey the world order of big brother, although he has saved me through my simple thoughts I still love hate him. But now, I have no opinion. I neither hate or love big brother. He is dormant in my mind. At this point I am a walking shell of emptiness. My life of rebellion has come to a halt. My existence in my own head is fading away. I am nothing. I want to die, yet I won't kill myself. Society is already doing that for me hypothetically speaking.

Last Words

October 27, 1984


Dear Dairy,
Today might be the last time I can write. It seems like it is coming to an end for me. Every part of my body aches from all the brainwashing torture they are giving me. I feel like my brain is no longer mine. They have taken  over my every little thought and turned it into their own. They say  "Freedom is slavery". They say "Two and Two makes Five" and that "God is Power", but no matter how many times I write it, say it, or try to believe in it, it doesn't make sense to me. I feel like I am going crazy and that everything around me is not real. What am I supposed to do? How can I pleased them and give them what they want? I would rather die in pride of my knowledge rather than become brainwash like one of them and live like a robot. I want a personal victory!!! ......Oh no, I hear the guards walking down towards my cell. They are talking about room 101. What's going to be at room 101? Can it be worst than the torture I had already gone through? What am I going to do? I am scared about what's going to happen next. I can't take it anymore! Please, let me have the bravery to not betray my thoughts!

Break Me

    It is happening. When I thought I was able to be left alone on my own record, it has finally happened. The point where I thought I couldn't take it anymore than I had experienced after that torture. I thought I finally gave into the Party. I felt alone and was happy for it, but I dreamed of days which I could be happy. No more pain. Though when I dreamed I never thought I came to the point of talking in my sleep then suddenly.. Julia. I screamed her name that night and I couldn't help myself. That explained Tom Parson's sleep talking, now I'm doing it. It has given me away and now they're going to torture me into changing my own beliefs. What I see and what I am told gets me conflicted and I just can't think anymore. So I ended up screaming Julia's name, jolting me awake. I believed what ever they have told me, played their games even. I burned 2+2=5 into my mind by writing it on places like the floor or the walls to seem as I believe. Hoping. I would start believing it, though it wasn't good enough. I hated Big Brother and I knew it in my heart that I did. Now they're here for me once again. Room 101. Here I come. Big Brother, I am coming.

Break me if you can.

I tried.

  I've tried.  I've tried everything i can to believe that the party is right and most importantly love big brother. O'Brien has punished me in all ways possible, but I still can't believe.  He's tried to make me believe that 2+2=5 when truthfully I know that it equals 4. I force myself to believe that " Freedom is Slavery" and "God is power" because if I think otherwise then I might as well be dead. I can't say that any other thoughts besides the ones I'm supposed to have would cost me my life because then I'd be lying. Once, O'Brien notices that emotionally I have not improved then he'll kill me. Kill me how?? I'm not sure but I have a feeling it will be a slow painful death. However I may be killed, I can only blame myself in the end.

Victory

December 1984, I can hear O'Brien telling the guards to take me to Room 101. I can’t believed I trusted him. I almost considered him as a friend. O'Brien had tortured me so much, I almost believed the Party slogans. But deep down I know, war is not peace, ignorance is not strength, and slavery is not freedom.

I am not afraid of O'Brien, but I am definitely afraid of room 101. I heard so many scary things about it. I hope that there won't be any rats. The last time I heard about a rat, Julia was there to protect me.

Where is Julia? Has she betrayed me? I hope not.

It’s so hard for me to sleep at night. I screamed Julia’s name so many times. I know this will get me into more trouble, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I love Julia so much. I will always love her. No matter what, I will never forget the time we spent together. One memory that I can’t keep out of my head was when we met each other in the woods. I also remembered asking her about her sexual life, and it made me happy knowing that the only men she has been with, are the Inner Party members. I have to go now, I hope it's not my last journal... P.S Being here makes me realizes I have a new goal: to die hating the Party. That will be a victory for me.

Sincerely, O'Brien

Room 101

 I have been tortured so much I don't know what is and what isn't anymore. I thought I remembered something but my memories deceive me. I thought that O'Brien was a rebel, but he was not. I thought 2+2=4 but O'Brien says it equals five. O'Brien must be right, He can stop my pain. Whatever O'Brien says must be true. I'm sure he holds 4 fingers, but he says five. When I say five the pain stops. O'Brien must be right if he can stop this pain. The pain is unbearable but I must keep persevering. For Julia. I hope she has not betrayed me because my love for her will keep me from doing so. O'Brien can do to me what he wants. As long as I love Julia, nothing else matters. Yet, thee may be one thing that could break me. Room 101... Everyone speaks about i but I still don't know what is inside. I hope I can get a hold of a razor blade before then. I am having nightmares about this room. That room holds all our nightmares yet I can't figure out what awaits us. I will soon figure out what this room holds. I better find a razor blade before then.

-Winston

The Torment... The Satisfaction... The Love... For Big Brother!

It seems like days in this prison cell... I've been watching closely to those of who have committed thought crimes similar to I. Brought in to await their devastating ends. The Thought police has called out Room 101. What could the room hold that's so devastating? A long time has passed. If it had been midnight when the man was taken away, it was morning; if morning, it was afternoon. I have been waiting for hours, as I heard footsteps coming through the door, I knew I would be next.

Seeing O'Brien I was relieved at first, but then I found out that he had been taken a long time ago. It may seem imperfect but I knew they couldn't break me. Throughout the past couple days I've been tortured and force to love the ways of Big Brother. O'Brien's tortures have seemed to cease as if I started to love him in a different way for stopping. I have learned that 2+2 is 5. But to only satisfy what the party wants me to say. 

I now have been placed in a comfortable room given a slate, writing down what the party wants of me " Freedom is Slavery," Two and Two makes Five," and "God is Power." One day I had screamed out Julia's name numerous time, caught in the fray, I knew I had betrayed the party but deep inside I knew I still hated Big Brother. As O'Brien entered the room, I had confessed it all to him knowing I would be punished. 

I have been brought to Room 101, thrown into a pit with flesh eating rats had enlightened my love for Big Brother, Julia should of been here instead of me. She is the one that the party should be punishing not me. I now know that my love for Big Brother is my life, it is my everything.

Room One O One

Ministry of Love.

What is love? Love is where we have to sit still endlessly. Love is when we put our hands in our pockets, we get yelled at loudly. Love is where they need four telescreens to watch us every single second, no millisecond. Love is where the dial raises every time I answer something different from what they want to hear. I must learn to love God, to love Big Brother.

No windows. Days, months, or even years and I can't even tell whether it's day or night. 

              " Do anything to me! 

But not room 101!"

Not Room 101 said the man, Anything but Room 101.

You know what is in Room 101, O'Brien told me. But how can I know what's in Room 101 if I never been in Room 101. Everyone knows what's in Room 101. 

2 + 2 = 4 no.

2 + 2 = 5.

One, two, three, four..as I count my fingers 2 + 2 equals 4

but how can 5 be 4?  

I know what's in Room 101. But I don't want to know. I shouldn't think...oh rats they know it. They always knew. 

The Ambiguity of Self

I have not thought much of freedom... I do not know how long it has been. I only believe that there is more pain to come. If I just renounce my perception of this reality I have been living... Perhaps the truth is in the words of O'Brien. How can something live within a memory if it cannot be touched or seen? I have gotten so far... Who knows if my mind, my consciousness of what I think -thought- about BB, will stay intact when -if- I get out of this prison?

Why would they stress so much energy to change me? I do not believe that I am truly sick. Maybe I am not seeing reality. I am a threat to society—whether it be delusion or dissent.

I am not fully myself. I have not committed the act of betrayal, yet I feel myself changing. After the all the effort they put into me. I believe that it can only get worse. What new device will torture me? At a simple turn of a dial, I felt the greatest pain I have never imagined. The dial had numbers that increased my pain but what has changed within me immeasurable. I do not know who to trust. Can I even trust myself? The inevitable lies with room 101.

Quietus

   5...5...5... That's all I can think of now, how is it possible? We as humans have been taught that 2+2=4 so how could 5 be the answer, I keep counting O'Brien's fingers in my head, and all I can see is 4 fingers, nevertheless I must convince my self that the answer is 5.
  All of it, it's coming to an end. What awaits me in room 101... only he knows. How could I let this happen? How could I be so foolish? I simply don't understand. Enough Winston, get it together! How can I, with all these thoughts racing through my mind. I have so many of them, yet none of them. How is this possible?  However one thing is for sure, whatever awaits for me in that room cannot be equally as severe as what I lived.
   How long has it been since I've been in here? What could have possibly happen to Julia in all this time? Has she been loyal the way we promised each other, or has she betrayed me? Oh what does it matter now, I'm a dead man either way. Maybe there's still hope? Who are you kidding Winston, there is no hope, hope is long gone my friend. God my body is crying out for help, every inch of my body seems to be drained and helpless. This pain has lead into oblivion. I've been spiraling down this black hole with no way out, maybe this is what is meant to happen, maybe this is my destiny. Do I regret getting involved with her? Should I regret it? Of course not. I'll always love her, I'll always remember her, that sweet scent that has been with me since the first time I caressed her, but will I be broken, will he make me say it? He has the power to do it... but I shall not speak, I shall not let it happen.
I hear something, it's coming my way. This is it.

Crimestop

I knew that this will come. It was always waiting for a moment to come. Today is the day. After the severe torturing and pain, my memories are blurred, but one think I certainly remember is the room 101. I remember the conversation two women had about the room 101, around the time when I was new to the Ministry of Love. Today is the day to solve the mystery of the room. Am I afraid? I can’t really tell. After the enormous horror, I cannot really think any worse thing than what I had suffered. I was well fed and well treated for the last weeks or months. I’ve tried hard to accept the beliefs of the party and trained myself in crimestop to control my mind. Now I truly understand what doublethink means. 

Few days ago, I got a hallucination of Julia and got the feeling that she is still alive. My feeling for her is the same so I shall not betray her. I sometimes think of the possibility of starting over again but there is no point of doing so in such place where power overly governs its people. I learned to lock my hatred and secret inside of me but the one and only moment I cannot resist is the thought of Big Brother. I cannot diminish my hatred toward  Big Brother.

 “ Winston!”

“Room  101”

Dear the future and the past,

This is my very last entry of my life. I don’t know when I wrote I last entry, and I don’t know how long have I been in here. I think I’m at the Ministry of Love but I’m not sure above or below the ground. They starved me for weeks? Months? I don’t know, but it was a long time. They finally feed me after all those tortures, they feed me three meals a day, but I don’t know which one is breakfast, lunch or dinner, I just eat what they give me.

I don’t know who am I anymore, I confuse between me and myself. I said yes Big Brother is alive forever, but a second later I said he would not last forever. My mind says two plus two is four, my mouth says two plus two is five as a nature reaction.

But there is one thing I will never forget, Julia. I will never betray her, ever though they starve me for years or torture me until my last breath, my heart is still for Julia. And I believe she will do the same, we promised that we will never betray each other. I will keep the promise until I die.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Love Julia 

before room 101

How does 2+2=5? Clearly, 2+2 equals 4. For some reason, it is okay to doublethink that it can also equal 5. I do not see how it is possible for people to want to believe this. But, somehow, they do. And it is only because they were forced to—just like I am right now.

What O’Brien is doing to me is too painful for me to handle. I’m surprised I have even survived until now. I am not even sure how long has it been. I have been kept in this strange room for so long. Has it been days, weeks or months? Not only that, after this room, I am being taken to another room. Strangely, it has been named room 101. Who knows what kind of indescribable things lie waiting for me in that room? Oh, wait—Big Brother does. Big Brother knows all.

If Big Brother knows all, then he must also know where Julia is. I wonder how she has been handled. I wonder if I should have ever gotten involved with her in the first place. I do not know how to feel about anything or anyone anymore.

All I know now is that I must brace myself for what lies ahead.

;^(

I want to die.

WHY did I  trust O'Brien. I want to die. Everything hurts. I deserve to be here. I deserve all of the pain I receive. There is no happiness in Oceania and there is no hope. I deserve the only thing that will set me free, I want to die. And even after death I will still be trapped here in Oceania. I'll still live on through hate week.  I hate being here I hate everything. I thought I could trust him but as big brother taught us free thinking will only get us in trouble.

;v(

Finale

I no longer wish to live.
Everyday, O'Brien, the man I believed to be a rebel, subjects upon me horrors with which no human should be forced to bear. My body aches and breaks with every torture, but I know that my pain will add to the greater good. I am an anomaly and should not exist. I have been told that much from O'Brien, that is true. However, my mind also knows it to be true. It was wrong of me to fight Big Brother's will; he is the king while I am the peon. It is only fitting that I am humbled here, a traitor to Big Brother, a traitor to Oceania, and a traitor to myself.
However, knowing that I am in the wrong does not soothe my pain. It hurts. It feels as if though my body is tearing itself apart. Even my mind seems clouded and confused. But there is hope.  My mind rests only on two things: Death and my beloved Julia. I wait for them to simply put that bullet in my head, and yet I also wish to see her again before I pass. It is fitting that she is one of my only longings... I have yet to betray her, have I? O'Brien can break me, he can hurt me, but he can not take from me what I love most.

Winston

END

These are my final thoughts my final views on this cruel reality. I did not expect it to end like this. The last image I have is the front door to room 101. I don't know what's behind it so it still remains a mystery. That took most of my curiosity, now it will remain unknown to me why it was feared. Why the sound of it had others shivering in fear. Was Julia sent there? Why? Now she has taken my minds curiosity. What might have been of her? Was she left without a charge because she told them everything? I should have never trusted her. Letting myself be sabotaged by that women. That does not matter quite so much now that O'Brien is torturing me, torturing my thoughts. He has used pain to change my way of thought. Who knew O'Brien would be the one ending it. The Brotherhood. That name meant nothing now that I see what O'Brien had planned since the day i met him. If i could change the way i acted towards my mother and sister i would. The hunger I left back then would not matter if I knew i would end up dying while starving.

Room 101

2 plus 2 is 4, but it is also 5. O’Brien is holding up 5 fingers even though I counted 4. I am sane, but I am considered insane. I have had enough of this pain. I will agree to anything as long as it stops. My memories are all false even though I remember them. The history I know is not true even though I remember it happening. He can help me. O’Brien can stop the pain with the click of a button. He can save me. I have not betrayed Julia yet. He may have gotten me to say whatever he wants me to say, but I have not betrayed her yet. I love her and they cannot change that. Next up is Room 101. O’Brien said that everyone knows what Room 101 is. What is Room 101 exactly? Ampleforth did not want to go and every one of those people in the cell was convinced that it was our worst nightmare. If only they sent me a razor blade. If I could get one, then all of this would end. I do not want to know what is in Room 101, but I will find out soon. Too soon…

101

I am tired. Very tired. Exhausted. Scared. My life, all the little pieces of energy, drained from O'Brien.

Being trapped here in this jail cell, surrounded by very bright lights, makes me question a lot of things. 

Where am I?

What am I doing?

Where is Julia?

What is this, so to-speak, room 101 O'Brien was talking about? 

I see four telescreens monitoring me. Big Brother will always be watching me, until the end of my pathetic life. 

Room 101, they said. A place filled with mysterious and unspeakable horror. Ampleforth was just sent away to Room 101.

I sit silently and think of everything. Nothing is worse than the Party. They are able to manipulate the minds of their subjects and control their bodies.

And they are slowly manipulating mines. 

I presume that it is better if the Party kills me. Therefore, I don't have to live through this agony. 

I don't know anymore. My thoughts wander with carelessness. I count off the time in my head. One minute passes. Two minutes. Five minutes.

Fifty minutes. An hour. 

I hear the taunting sounds of footsteps, gradually getting louder and louder. I clench my unorganized thoughts in my mind, sweat nervously with my heart beating as quick as if I see Julia, as I am prepared to believe that I am next to be heading to Room 101.

Winston

HIM.

        At this very moment, O'Brien is tormenting me. Will you just please put me out of my misery already? Will this be the end of my miserable life or will they torture me forever? HE is taking me to Room 101. I could not imagine what will be in that room. Will be the end of me? Julia? I have no clue. Who wants to live in this dystopia? Oceania is an inhumane place. I don't want to be the same, just like everyone else. It has always been a boring place to me. I can't be myself, which makes me even crazier. My whole body is tingling, but not in a good way. There is so much going through my mind right now. Where is Julia? Will I no longer have memories of myself after O'Brien "changes me? I will say this, it will be hard for me to say that 2+2=5. I almost feel nothing, just numbness, from all the pain. I am an idiot in trusting O'Brien. There is no one I can trust completely, not even Julia. Big Brother, was there all along, detecting every motion of mine. I am heading to Room 101 now. Oh no. I cannot believe what is in here. I can't breathe. Please, someone help me. Please.  My greatest fear is yet to come.

                                        

Farewell

Ever since i was a little boy I just wanted to become something great . my life as i grew older started to flip upside down completely . I have no idea what its going to be like in room 101 but iknow its not going to be a pleaseant stay for me . Now i know everything that has been surrounding me the people surrounding me telling me lies you cant really trust anyone else in this world anymore but yourself everyone isnt as good as i thought they were. I feel so betrayed i thought O'brien would be a loyal fellow turns out i was wrong . I want the people the citizens of my town to do something about big brother and take him down for good . I refuse to let them change me and the way I think of my personal reasons I know i will be a strong man and take on anything that comes my way

As of today im sitting on a wheelchair getting ready to enter this terrible Room 101 i seriously hope its not as bad as i hear no matter what they do to me i still wont change the way i think things i hope this isnt my last day to live .

-Winston

Set Free

I think my time is quickly approaching. Every time I close my eyes I see a room. Room 101. What lies behind that door cannot be possibly worse than what they were doing to me.  They told me that Oceania is at war with Eastasia. Always has been and always will be. Constant war, O'Brien said. But something tells me that that isn't true. Eastasia. Eurasia. Eastasia. Eurasia. I don't know which anymore. Just like used I know that two plus two equals four, but what if it doesn't? I need to know with certainty before I decide which.

What lies behind room 101 might be Julia getting tortured. But should that matter when she already betrayed me. No, that's just what O'Brien told me. Focus, Winston. Big Brother can't ever get me. I may have betrayed everyone but not Julia. Never Julia. And never will I truly love Big Brother. It will just be a guise, like everything I have ever done here in Oceania, that I truly whole heartedly love Big Brother.

But once they set me free, kill me that is, they won't ever be able to change that I absolutely hate Big Brother and everything that he has created. It will be the truth and reality.

I hate Big Brother. Forever.

Behind that door

As I am being interrogated by O’Brien. I can feel my spine splitting into two piece with this endless torture. I refuse to let Big Brother's brainwash me into a follower just like everyone else. I just want to have the freedom to express myself. How does 2 + 2 equal to 5? I don’t know, but I am expected to believe that. How long have I been in here until I am free? I’m not quite sure myself. Maybe… months? years? decades? I don't know what to expect and I actually know what to believe in anymore. I thought I could trust O’Brien, he was always there wasn't he? I had a nightmare and screamed Julia’s name. There, O’Brien caught me. I can’t believe he’s placing me in a Room 101? I wonder what method he’s going to use in that room? I hope it isn't my worst fear…. How pathetic would that be though? How could I have possibly believed he would rebel with me? Within that room, is there a new light for maybe the both of us? Is someone waiting for me somewhere else in the world? Or will it be the doom of us… Do I have to die to gain my freedom? I suppose so, what’s there to lose anyway besides Julia. What’s going to happen to her?  I hope she knows that I will always love her and that I will never betray her. Even with this endless fear of what’s behind that door, maybe Julia will be awaiting for me, or my family. Until then, goodbye.

Room 101:My last post

What's in Room 101? I think today my question shall be answered... And not soon enough! It feels like an eternity since the last time I saw Julia. I am not sure what has happened to her, but I find myself starting to doubt our promise. Our promise of not betraying the other. So far, I haven't succumbed to that action. But that's only so far. Maybe She's not even alive anymore. Either "vaporized" and non-existent (at least to the Party) or blasted to smithereens,like that person whose arm I kicked into the gutter, or she had given in to the Party's demands. Still wanting to believe none of these, I think about our promise.
Will our love exist, even if the Party erases all existing evidence of us? Of course, I say immediately. But, I hesitate afterwards as if to say.. But that is not what the Party wishes. If O'Brien says 2+2 is 5, surely he is wrong and I am right? If that's the case, I feel like the only person in the world that knows what is right. Thus, if everyone thinks I am wrong.. Am i really right? I can't abandon my belief in my memories. That's all I have anymore. I was taught that 4 is the equality of 2 and 2. Then, why I am I wrong?
I have the questions to ask. I need answers. I double-need JULIA. Will I get my answers? I guess I'll find out soon.

NotsniW EgasseM ot Julia

My eyes are closed. I can feel something bright and warm against them. Sunlight. I am outside. The sounds of birds and bees are leaning against my ears like an arrow shot into its target perfectly. 

Perfect.

That word... What does it really mean? I want to ask you what it means but I can't. There was a lot of things I wanted to ask you. 

Do you remember a time before Big Brother? Do you? 

I don't.

I can't.

Big Brother was always there.

Big Brother is always here.

I open my eyes and I see what I expected myself to see.

Hills of green grass. There's a tree in the distance. The tree stands alone. There are no other trees that join it. Reminds me of myself. Reminds me of you.

Why are we like this Julia?

Do you remember me?

Do I remember you?

What's my name again?

Where is my head?

Where is your head?

Where are you?

Where am I?

I know where I am... But do you know where you are, Julia?

Follow me and you shall follow Big Brother.

He sees everything so why not let him see you?

Julia.

The sun is closing in.

The shine is burning me.

Would you help me?

Goodbye.

I don't know what to expect. I actually don't know what to believe in anymore. One day I was against the Party, now I'm for the Party. 2 + 2 isn't really 5, but I have to believe that. Everything has been a lie. Everyone isn't who they seemed to be. I was fooled. I thought I could trust O'brien. I thought that this rebellion was going to happen. I had many dreams to let society take over and defeat Big Brother. I don't know if that's ever going to happen. I don't want to be just another brainwashed follower of Big Brother. I refuse to let them take away my true identity. But, I have to. I have to follow Big Brother. I have to be a follower. But no, I can't. This is not what I believe in. I can't believe in this foolish things.

I don't know how long I have been here. It seems like forever. I only hope that Room 101 won't be as bad as it seems. O'brien insists that I know what I'm taking myself into. I can't be afraid. I have to face everything like a man. I must stand firm and accept whatever is behind that door.

I hope this isn't my last post.

Winston

Better or Worse

I've always had a slight thought of deceitfulness from my love life. It was always to good to be true, Julia and I. Love has blinded me in all paths, I can't believe I've trusted O'Brien. How foolish of me to actually believe there would be such rebellion. I can't believe I trusted Julia, all of this routine has been lies. I've lived my life in endless pain and curiosity, and I just can't continue on, however if so than I shall die opposing Big Brother. I know they can't do anything to me that will change me in that room that vibrates with screams, room 101. Perhaps it is better to die in this society, perhaps I can think freely when I'm dead without police watching me constantly. But I do have thoughts of them actually getting me to think the way they do. I've heard stories that everyone that comes out of that room alive is different. Perhaps it is a test for those who are strong and weak. Just remember, no pain can deceit you from happiness thus please I must die to be free. I can't live if I stay any longer in Oceanic, and to believe there is actually somewhere better in this world. This is my last message where I am safe to believe I am. I'm sure they will find this sooner or later, goodbye.

My Final Hour

I've been in here for,quite a while now. I can feel my mind and body starting to deteriorate and it's asking for an end to this unending torment.  But I refuse to let this happen, big brother's main goal is to brain wash me into a brainless follower just like everyone else. I have to keep my morale strong and ideas till the very end, even if it means the end of me. If I manage to do that, then I won the battle in the end.My plan is to just play with the situation and see how everything goes, even if I rebel with my ideas the punishments are only going to intensify until I die. What I fear the most is what happened to Julia, I've been hearing screams that seems to be hers. The screams seem to fade as the days pass by, it stopped now, I sense that she's gone now. I soon shall be next, as it is inevitably my turn to dwell into Room 101.

My Last Entry

How long have I been tortured? Weeks? Months? At first, the torturing was horrible. I refused to believe that 2 + 2 = 5, but now I have to believe it. O'Brien forced me to look into the mirror and I looked like a dying skeleton. It is all his fault. I thought that he could be trusted, and I regret it. However, I am in a better room now. I gained weight and I am stronger, so the torture is not as bad. Voluntarily, I am trying to make myself be stupid and listen to O'Brien, but I can't. I keep rewriting the Party's slogans, but I hate the Party too much and I will never betray Julia.

Last night, I had a nightmare and screamed Julia's name. The guards heard me and I had to face O'Brien. I told him that I hated Big Brother and now he is taking me to Room 101. When I first woke up in the Ministry of Love, I saw Ampleforth being brought into that room. I have no idea what's in Room 101, but O'Brien insists that I do know. I really hope it isn't my worst phobia, rats...

I will not let Room 101 get to me. I will forever hate the Party. I will die hating Big Brother.

Winston

My Worst Nightmare

I can not remember how long i have been in here. I do not know if it has been months or years, but I can tell you that it has felt like an eternity. All I want is to get out of here. How stupid must I have been to trust O'Brien. I am childish for thinking that there was a brotherhood. There is no way of escaping Big brother. He is always watching. I have already endured so much pain, but the most painful was Julia betraying me. Did she really betray me or is that another method of torture which O'Brien used. O'Brien mentioned three stages and the final stage is Room 101. I've heard a lot of people talk about it, yet I don't know what is in there. Who or what is waiting for me? It can't be any worse than what I have endured in the past who knows how long. That's what I try to tell myself, but I know its not true. He mentioned the three stages and said that the final stage will be the most painful. The only thing worse than what I have gone through would be if he knew my fear. My fear of those hairy critters.That would be my worst nightmare.

Julia: Another Day Journal Entry

A day in 1984

Dear Journal,

Another day of monotonous routine following another. BB does a good job of subduing those who rebel or plot to do so. Yet, they have not been aware of my own dissent. I am not afraid to be charged of mere sex crimes. Speaking of...my sexual activity, or lack thereof, is driving me mad. This red band that I wear always seem to hinder me and those potential partners are led astray. The heat of the burning sun bothers me everyday. Our routinely jog somehow calms me down from this heat and dry spell, but I cannot just jog all day until I have met my match. My wandering eyes have led me no where. It is rare to see anyone of particular interest-- especially one who would break the rules of the government and carry the burden of watching their backs. I’ve been intimate with many other Inner Party members, but I am not too keen on taking more of an unnecessary risk. Outer party members are too involved with their jobs and follow a boresome schedule... A mere prole would do!

Shall I worry about myself? Are the Thought Police on my tail? If I continue this persona that I show everyday, I should be fine. (Always remember, 2+2=5) As long as I do not fall in love…

Frustrated,

Comrade Julia

BREH ...tht chick julia

Today I left work and I see the dark haired girl Julia i found out shes been sleeping with other party members. I really like her allot but i don't think she is going to be the girl for me she dosent seem very loyal. The day I left from the party I was walking home I see Julia walking out all buzzed out and it was raining very hard she slipped and fell and hurt her self really bad she was crying I don't know if I should help her out or not since she tried killing me But im a nice person anyway I like helping people if there in danger so i took her back home and stayed with her till sun up and we had a talk when she woke up " you fell really hard i said " she said "i know " i said i helped you with your scars and bruises so you should be fine Julia said thanks she replied but before you leave take this and don't read it till you walk out the door she has slipped a sheet of paper in my hand it says " i don't know what to say thank you for helping me last night iloveyou Winston " i was really happy knowing she said that

Julia

My name is Julia and I really unlike this stupid party I was born into. I've slept with maybe hundreds of party members, and I'm PROUD! It's my way of rebellion to this retarded party. I'm also very in love with Winston. He's very old but just as rebellious as I am towards the party. I believe I'm falling in love with him. His addiction to corruption is what draws me to be with him the most, and I think he feels the same for me. Although he is a very hard person to read I feel he will open up to me more and more each day. Embracing his tender lovin' was the most connected I've ever felt towards a man during sex that I've ever been in my life. Winston is the ONE, and I won't lose that because of this faction I was born into. I refuse to lose him. I refuse not feeling any emotion. I refuse living in this sheltered environment. I need to find a way out. I cannot keep living this way. None of us can. we need someone brave enough to break this lifestyle for everyone! And I think Winston is the one to do it.

Julia and I

October 1984

Dear Diary,

When Julia told me she loved me, I didn’t know whether or not to believe it.

At least she had the guts to write me a simple note saying so. But, how was I supposed to trust her, though? She is part of the Junior Anti-Sex League. She could have been spying on me. She could have been using me. She could have been tricking me, and luring me into loving her so that she could arrest me eventually for doing so! I didn’t know what I was thinking.

She seems so pure. I didn’t think she would use me like that. I still don’t.

Actually, I won’t ever think that way again. Now I know she wouldn’t, because she didn’t. She truly did have feelings for me. She was willing to risk getting caught to meet up with me.  In fact, when we met up, we confessed our love for each other.

I didn’t think I’d have feelings for her. I mean, I didn’t think I’d return the feelings she had for me. However, with these strong, passionate feelings for each other, we can fight and rebel against Big Brother’s oppression. With our love, we have a weapon.

My Lovely

I have seen him a few times in the office during two minutes hate. I wasn't sure, but I think he actually looked at me the other day. It's hard to see him when we both work in different departments in the Minitrue.

These feelings inside, they're feelings of rebellion. Feelings I need to keep hidden from the thought police or I'll be vaporized. They're the ones that need to be vaporized. What's so bad about these feelings if there is no way to stop from feeling them. They don't understand my urges to be intimate with others. Don't they ever have these feelings?

I recently injured my arm and purposefully fell upon it while he was walking towards me. In an act to help me up, I secretly slipped him a note with the words "I love you" inscribed. I wish i could see how he reacted to all this? I hope he feels the same way as I do him. He wouldn't betray me, would he? That would be doubleplus bad. Risking my life for love is what it takes to tear this world apart. We need to change everything.

Besides, I've does this more than once.

-Julia

Syme's Journal

May 13, 1984

Today was quite ordinary and much like the last couple days. Except Winston seems to be acting a little strange around me. Just the other day at the canteen, he looked sad for some reason. I should ask him the next time I see him. Anyway I'm still working on the new edition of the Newspeak dictionary, and I swear each year there's less and less words. In another century or so I bet to you there will not even be a single unused word because there won't be much words at all. This is all too fascinating; how the new language of Newspeak is changing the way we've spoke since the beginning of time. Now Newspeak can seem to say all we need in a matter of a few words tweaked a little by adding "plus" or "un". But those words don't really cut it. How am I supposed to express what I'm feeling right now? An emotion impossible to describe with words like good and ungood. No one can, especially not the proles. That's why they're all stupid. Well maybe not stupid but no one is really thinking. And the cause: words. Words and language, words and language, words and language.

Wait I think someone is knocking on the door now. I think I must go.

That girl julia tho..

Dear Diary,

      Today I had seen the dark hair girl fall to her knees with her injured arm. I didn't know if I wanted to help her up or not. She looked like she was in a lot of pain since she had an injured arm. I had a curious emotion feeling in my heart. She was an enemy who is trying to kill me, but at the same time she is a human being. I talked to her today, We had a short convo, I asked her was she okay? And she went on her own way. I had noticed that she had slip a piece of paper into my hand. I read it; " I Love You ", it said. I didn't know what to feel. I was to stunned to have any reactions. I had thrown it in the memory hole because I knew very well the danger of showing too much interest and I could not resist reading it once again...

Son of Mrs. Parsons (Spies )

April 10^th 1984

 My dad works for the Ministry of Truth. He has been evicted from the Youth League and Spies for many years, and I as well am following his path. I think my dad is doing his job right so far. The scarlet banners of the Youth League and the Spies, and the poster of Big Brother on the wall of our house can be some of the evidences of how devoted my dad is to the Party.

Few days ago, one of my neighbors, Winston, visited our house to do my mom’s favor to fix the kitchen sink. I was listening to the military music from the tele screen. As soon as I acknowledged his presence, I took my toy automatic pistol and aimed at him, not to really shoot him, but to do my job and threaten him a bit. 

Wearing a Spies uniform always makes me to be aware of things and people. Our enemies are any people who do not worship Big Brother or who are against the Party, such as traitors, saboteurs, and thought criminals. Such ungood rebels like Goldstein, should be vaporized. I see some intention of a rebel in Winston, thus,  I am ought to pay more attention to him. My alternate goal is to denouncing my parents to the Thought Police and be renowned as a child hero. Another wish is for my sister to become a plusgood Spies after me.

UP WITH BIG BROTHER

xxx Parsons

The loyal spies

That Girl Is So Mmmmmm

October, 1984

Today I finally met up with the girl that I've been seeing a lot lately. We were in the canteen when we were talking for the first time after I helped her the other day. The first time I saw her there, I couldn't talk to her because Wilsher saw me. This time no one was there to interrupt me so I was able to talk to her about the location and time of our meetup. I was walking to the designated location by myself to avoid any suspicion we would have caused if we went together. I got there a little early so I just knelt down and picked up some bluebells while I waited. When she arrived we went into an isolated area deeper into the woods. At first I didn't want to do it with her so we just talked about ourselves for awhile. After talking for a bit, we left the area and walked out of the woods to see a thrush on a bough. We listened to the lone bird sing for awhile before heading back to the hideout area we were at before. She stripped herself there and man was her body nice. After we did it, we parted ways and decided to not see each other any time soon so that we wouldn't make it too obvious.

Winston Smith

Oceania

What is this place they call Oceania? Oceania must be one of the most pleasant place in the world. They have days just for us to vent out our hate against the brotherhood. Life is good when everything is simplified for you. We just have to do our part and we will get our reward. Who am I kidding, everything here sucks. Government controls everything. Everything from socializing to reading the news. Everything was designed to make us support Big Brother and nothing else. We are not allowed to think of anything other than things for the Big Brother. Its the Outer Party controlling the people for the people of power which is the Inner Party. With the 4 ministry, they can control everyone in every perspective. People not even allowed to think. The Thought Police was created just so that we would not have bad thoughts about Big Brother. Daily life just go by everyday the same. Wake up, eat, go to work, daily 2 minute hate, go home, eat, and sleep. The news have been simplified so much because of Newspeak. They cannot control me though. As long as I am still alive, I can still think otherwise. They have no power over my mind. I am free, and they will never know.

Manifesto

These outrageous nitwits seem to have fallen into our hands. 1 step away from dominating the world. I have my people doing my bidding. The country of Oceania will take over with these dogs under my rule. It seems my loyal inner party had brainwash even the most disloyal. The children of our time has been brainwashed to the tip, not a sniff of rebellion from them. I have them watch over their parents day in and day out. Now that I have implemented Telescreens, My faithful Thought Police, and even the successors of the party- the children, I am able to dominate and rule over all of Oceania. With even one little trace of retaliation for the party, DEATH IS UPON THOSE WHO OPPOSE. Even the notorious Brotherhood. I have served for a generation and I am quite impressed with the progress I've made. My agenda is very clear--- THE WORLD BELONGS TO ME!

Winston's Reflection

"I love you." 

I love you, she tells me but for what?

 I love you as in I want to be with you and care about you

 OR

I love you as in I'm just lying to you now and I'll end up using you and leaving you.

Is this a dream? Can we finally go against them? I loved her ever since I first saw her but this is a forbidden love. She's too pure, too young to be one of them. How can someone so pretty, so perfect be living in this cruel world. It's almost fake..Can I even trust her, a complete stranger. She can make anything up and I wouldn't know. Everything that comes out of her mouth may just be lies. Why was she following me for so long? What if this really was real? 

This place isn't safe. Nowhere is safe anymore. I can't even tell anyone or anything without being recorded. Once they see this, they'll catch me, vaporize me for good. The only place safe now is the mind, only I can know my own thoughts now. 

Winston, 1984

WinstonS

June  10th 1984

Everyday the same thing, the exact same thing. 
The government is watching us, watching our movements, and we are never truly safe.

I can see them in my dreams. O'Brien, the girl, Big Brother, all of them, in my dreams. In reality, they could be my friends, or they could be my enemies. I feel like I know them, and yet I cannot trust them at all. I live in Big Brother's domain, but is he really my friend, my ally, my hero? O'Brien appears to be against Big Brother's government, but how can I be sure? He may be testing me, trying to trick me into giving myself away. That could be dangerous and could get me killed. Lastly, the girl I had seen at the Two Minutes Hate. She's following me, I know it. There is no coincidence to her actions, no way she can simply pretend that this was luck that we meet so often. She is my enemy, and she will follow me to the ends of Oceania to end me. Therefore, I cannot simply run away from such a threat. I must end her before she ends me.

Who am I to trust in a place like Oceania? Who will protect me, and who will put me at risk? Only time will tell me.

Winston Smith

October 8, 1984

Dear Diary,

The last few days have been so busy, I haven't even had time to write. I'll start from a few days ago. I was walking around when I noticed an antique shop where I purchased a paper weight with this amazing piece of coral in it. Once I walked out, I saw her again. That black haired girl... I swear she's a spy. I immediately thought about smashing her head in with a cobblestone, but I changed my mind. Later, at work I saw her again. She was walking and all of a sudden she fell. My heart wanted to help but my mind thought she was a spy. Eventually my heart won out and I went to see if she was injured. After I made sure she was safe, I discovered something in my pocket. She must have slipped it in there. It felt like a slip of paper. i thought I was being watched in the bathroom, so I resisted my will to open and read it where I was. I managed to not look and threw the paper next to my work in order to make it look like work material. It said "I love you". I didn't know what to think. She managed to distract me from my work for the rest of the morning. I just couldn't manage to get her out of my head. I was so bothered, I did not sleep until late thinking about whether it was a trap or not.

Winston Smith

To the girl with the dark hair

September 8, 1984

Dear Dairy,
Today, I saw the girl with dark hair again. I haven't seen her since the evening I bumped into her outside a junk shop, four days ago. It seems that she always would appear somewhere in front of me at the most random times. Is she following me? As I stand there, she slowly approached me. But suddenly out of nowhere she fell down and it startled me. I went and helped her up but in my mind, I was always suspicious of her. I wonder, could she be a part of Big Brothers or the Thought Police? What does she want with me and why can't I get rid of her? Her next action even made me more curious about her because she slipped me a note saying "I LOVE YOU" on it. What a crazy woman to be sending a note like this to me? I had a really bad feeling about her but I just can't stop thinking about her right now. This is so weird because I hate her. Why can't I stop thinking about her? I know that she might not be part of Big Brothers but can I actually trust her? Ugh, I don't even know what to do now! Girl with dark black hair, get out of my mind!!!


Winston Smith

Julia's Desires

January 5, 1984

Sometimes.. they threaten you with something. I don't know what to do anymore. I had slept with countless of men from the Inner Party to satisfy my sexual desires, but I still don't feel complete. Something is missing; something that needs to quench my emotional desires.

The Party... why are they trying to control us? They are not to be our mind controllers, that is detestable. I work for the Party as a machine operator in the Fiction Department in the Ministry of Truth, but I feel repugnant working for them. To show my zeal, I have to wear an Anti-Sex sash around my waist while participating in the Two Minutes Hate.

On the other hand, I saw Winston Smith, a man working in the Records Department, a few months ago. There was this strange, compelling aura about him that time. I wanted to know more about him, so I slipped a note in his pocket.

It was not only until yesterday that we actually met. I was excited, and thrilled as we ran deep, deep into the woods where no one could have seen us. The more we talked, the more I gained his trust and the more that my sexual desires were aroused.

We had sex that day. It felt different from the countless of times I did with other men. I felt warmth from him, something I never felt before.

I felt that my heart yearns for who he is.

Julia